Finding My Voice and My Words: My Testimony

For the last year or more, I have struggled with finding my voice, or maybe it was finding my words.  Nevertheless, the thing that I found so much joy in doing, writing, became super difficult for me.  I am still not entirely sure what it was that stopped my flow.  But, I found myself soaking up all the information I could on anything that interested me.  But, I felt unable to share.

This weekend, I felt like I became unblocked, like whatever had been hindering me, was finally being moved out of my way.  And, with it came a barrage of emotions.  If I could explain it, I probably would say that fear had a lot to do with it.

Writing for me, can not have limitations.  It opens up parts of me that other wise would stay closed.  It allows me to share without inhibitions and it makes me see things that I have chosen purposely not to see.

And, as a result of that, I guess I felt like not writing protected me from me.  As in all our lives, I suffered a trauma.  To some people, maybe it wasn't that, but to me, it caused me to sit back, take stock and reevaluate my life and the people in it.  It helped me to see the wheat from the tares, the roses from the thorns.  And, even though the seeding process was painful and tedious.  And, the road back even worse.  I came out on the other end, a better person, a person with less misgivings, and confusion.  A person who has had to learn to believe in exactly what I believe in.  And, be true, first and foremost to me.

While on this journey, I read an amazing book, "When I Lay My Isaac Down" by Carol Kent, and this is in excerpt from it, that I believe has shaped the direction in which I am going.

"There are some tragedies, that are too big for a heart to hold, and they defy any description that makes sense.  Time weaves its way through the shock, the hurt, and the inexpressible feelings and one day you discover that in the process of daily survival, you have instinctively made decisions good or bad that defined your theology, formed an opinion about God, and determined that you will either curl up or die emotionally or you will choose life.

The terrifying but truthful fact is that in choosing life, you realize it will never match the kind of life that was in your carefully thought out plan for your future.  It will force you to view the people around you differently.  The brokenness will challenge you to new levels of personal compassion.  It will melt your pride, diminish the importance of your carefully designed agenda, and it has the potential to develop unshaken faith that defines rationality.

There are the moments when God makes complete sense to us, and then life suddenly changes and he seems a foreign remnant of a childhood force fed faith... "Lord give me eyes to see your coming and going, ears to hear your voice and your silence, hands to hold your presence,and your absence, and faith to trust your unchanging nature in all seasons - Elsa Morgan.