Going Down with a Sinking Ship

Right now, as I am typing this post, I think the Primary Emotion that I am feeling is anger.  The Secondary Emotions are disappointment, aggravation, and a total lack of faith in the place that I have worked for the last 11 years.  I am sure that I am not the only one currently working in the field of education who feels such emotions.  However, over the last year I have sat by and watched the administration go from bad to worst, I have watched as the bottom of the barrel was continually scraped to find "step and fetch it" leaders.  "Gumby's", as I like to call them who make decisions based on who it makes happy instead of what the RIGHT decision would be.  As usual, the children suffer, the employee's suffer and morale suffers.

I try my best to ride above it, but it gets harder when the flood waters keep getting closer and closer to your neck.  

So today, I am asking God for the ability to walk on water, lest I drown.  I am asking for the ability to remember that we are all flawed, and to remember that these administrators are not in control.  And, that I know who is in control.

So I went searching on the net for proof of what I already know, but need to be reminded of and this what I found:

 Isaiah 43:2 - When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you.

Psalms 27:14 - Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!

Isaiah 40:31 - But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.

2 Corinthians 12:9 - And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

 I will uphold thee - I will enable you to bear all your trials.

Photo Credit: Holding On to the Most Important Things in Life. Hold On - Donna Hughes

A Consolidation of Trust

I have trust issues!!  I trust very few people.  It is my first instinct to look for the flaw, the ulterior motive or hidden agenda.  This unfortunately spills over into all areas of my life.  And, then I thought how amazing it would be if I could consolidate trust like some people consolidate bills. Take all of the people, situations and things in whom I have to or need to trust and put them under one umbrella and trust that he Lord will protect me from the disappointment, hurt and resentment that comes when the people who I have trusted disappoint me. Or that God could help me  to discern those people, places or things that are worthy of my trust.

For me, I guess it all comes back to one thing, trusting that God will watch over guide and protect me from everything that comes my way.  Whether that means taking me out of the storm, or teaching me to deal with the rain.

Then I remembered one of my favorite Fred Hammond songs and it brought me to this verse. - 

Isaiah 54:17 - "No weapon this is formed against me shall prosper, and every tongue that rises against thee in judgement thou shall condemn.  This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord"  - King James Bible (Cambridge Edition)

The word that jumped off the page to me when reading this text, is that this is our HERITAGE. (see definition below) It is something that God meant us to pass down from generation to generation, our birth right.  What an amazing heritage that is?  To know that in the face adversity, uncertainty, tumultuous times, uncertain job markets, and downright EVIL all around us.   NO WEAPON THAT IF FORMED AGAINST US SHALL PROSPER.

her·i·tage  (hr-tj)

n.

1. Property that is or can be inherited; an inheritance.

2. Something that is passed down from preceding generations; a tradition.

3. The status acquired by a person through birth; a birthright

Feeling Like a Modern Day Samuel!!

Often Times When I am Talking, I Ought to be Listening.  God's Words come to me in so many ways, that sometimes I have to chuckle and say, " I hear you Lord, I hear you."  Yesterday, was one of those days.  I came into work and logged in to my Google Reader and these were the two blog posts that he gave me to start my day.

A Lesson in Losing The Weight - JonesDesignCompany.com

    Worried - The Peaceful Mom.com

Then in the break room this morning a coworker said that with all the upheaval at work he was reminded of this verse. - 

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

And, he said he had to ask are you sure Lord, do you need to tell someone in administration over here that?  And, it made me chuckle because with the major restructuring and layoffs going on here, we are all struggling with things that we have no control of.  My biggest struggle of course is remembering who has control!!

So... I am working on Casting all my Cares Upon Him, because I know he cares for me.  Happy Hump Day!!

Confessions!!

Confession:  The Ebb and Flow of my Moods is Affected Greatly by Other Things and Other People. (Especially things outside my control!)

I know this is not supposed to be the case, but it's the truth.  And, I am working on it.

I read a post one of my girlfriends (Thanks Cei) wrote on Facebook this morning.  It read: "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it."

So today, on a gloomy rainy day, with a sick baby at home, and more housework on the agenda for the weekend than I care to even think about!!  I am going to make a declaration that I will have a good day!! After all it is Friday!! Hope you all have a great one too...

Here is an excerpt from a Devotion I keep posted in my office at work. -- I find it settles my spirit!!

" Press through present chaos into the peace that is greater than your understanding.  Quiet your soul and be done with the anxiety that comes with uncertainty.  There is nothing uncertain or dubious about My Kingdom.  I would have you understand that even though the kingdom is a spiritual one and invisible to natural perception, the reality of its unquestionable.  Its foundation is firm -- solid rock.  When you are a part of that kingdom you, like the chief cornerstone and the foundation of the apostles and prophets, are also solid rock in the realm of the spirit.  Flesh has no power over rock, says the Lord." - Ephesians 2:20 having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ Himself being the chief cornerstone.

Finding My Voice and My Words: My Testimony

For the last year or more, I have struggled with finding my voice, or maybe it was finding my words.  Nevertheless, the thing that I found so much joy in doing, writing, became super difficult for me.  I am still not entirely sure what it was that stopped my flow.  But, I found myself soaking up all the information I could on anything that interested me.  But, I felt unable to share.

This weekend, I felt like I became unblocked, like whatever had been hindering me, was finally being moved out of my way.  And, with it came a barrage of emotions.  If I could explain it, I probably would say that fear had a lot to do with it.

Writing for me, can not have limitations.  It opens up parts of me that other wise would stay closed.  It allows me to share without inhibitions and it makes me see things that I have chosen purposely not to see.

And, as a result of that, I guess I felt like not writing protected me from me.  As in all our lives, I suffered a trauma.  To some people, maybe it wasn't that, but to me, it caused me to sit back, take stock and reevaluate my life and the people in it.  It helped me to see the wheat from the tares, the roses from the thorns.  And, even though the seeding process was painful and tedious.  And, the road back even worse.  I came out on the other end, a better person, a person with less misgivings, and confusion.  A person who has had to learn to believe in exactly what I believe in.  And, be true, first and foremost to me.

While on this journey, I read an amazing book, "When I Lay My Isaac Down" by Carol Kent, and this is in excerpt from it, that I believe has shaped the direction in which I am going.

"There are some tragedies, that are too big for a heart to hold, and they defy any description that makes sense.  Time weaves its way through the shock, the hurt, and the inexpressible feelings and one day you discover that in the process of daily survival, you have instinctively made decisions good or bad that defined your theology, formed an opinion about God, and determined that you will either curl up or die emotionally or you will choose life.

The terrifying but truthful fact is that in choosing life, you realize it will never match the kind of life that was in your carefully thought out plan for your future.  It will force you to view the people around you differently.  The brokenness will challenge you to new levels of personal compassion.  It will melt your pride, diminish the importance of your carefully designed agenda, and it has the potential to develop unshaken faith that defines rationality.

There are the moments when God makes complete sense to us, and then life suddenly changes and he seems a foreign remnant of a childhood force fed faith... "Lord give me eyes to see your coming and going, ears to hear your voice and your silence, hands to hold your presence,and your absence, and faith to trust your unchanging nature in all seasons - Elsa Morgan.